Shit Sauna
The idea for this post is completely stolen from Bugwit Homilies.
Crappy Roomate challenge
My sophmore year of college I moved in with this girl I vaguely knew from High school. She turned out to be a real slob. Dirty dishes piled in the sink, dirty clothes on the bathroom floor, leaving her shit out everywhere and never cleaning up - standard stuff, but nothing worth getting in a fuss about.
Well, the 2 br, single bathroom house we rented didn't have central heating/air (only one small window unit), and right before spring break we were both leaving for vacation and Athens was hitting highs of around 95-100. I left for vacation the day before she did, shutting off the one window unit and letting the house with absolutely no trees in the yard swell up to 100 degrees inside. When I returned 7 days later I walked into the thickest, humidest, most horrid smell I had ever smelled in my whole life. Thinking she'd left a whole meatloaf or something out, I looked in the kitchen. Nothing. I then espied on the coffee table amongst her things a note. The note said:
Anita,
The toilet is clogged and I
didn't have time to go get
a plunger. Sorry.
Kelli
I then had to go get a plunger (which required walking across the street to a convenient store) and plunge her shit out of the toilet. The toilet was full up to the rim of shit. Regardless of the finesse with which I eased the plunger in, the shitty water would not stay in the bowl and seeped out over the edges. "Fuck it," I thought and began plunging, ignoring (not without some difficulty) the abundantly spattering shit and shitty water. By the time I was done there was shit EVERYWHERE. Our small window unit had not cooled off the house yet either, so by this point there was someone else's shit that I was pissed off at melting on my face in 100 degree weather. After a vigorous, exfoliating shower and a long cold rinse, I fished around for every contact number she left me: her boyfriend's house and cell, her mom's house and cell, and even her boyfriend's parents house. I supressed my rage, dialed each number and left the same sweet message on all their machines for them to come back to tomorrow when they got back from vacation:
Hi there! This is Anita, Kelli's roomate. I was just looking for Kelli because she left me this note right before spring break. (read note.) I just wanted to let her know that it was 100 degrees in our house when I got back and the toilet was full to the rim of her feces which created a shit sauna of sorts in the house and, due to my desire to use the restroom myself and my desire not to smell Kelli's shit for another day, I had to plunge and mop up this feces off the bathroom floor the minute I got home from what was a wonderful vacation. Thank you!
On top of the embarrasment, you better believe that girl got ripped a new one when she got home. Have a nice weekend, sweeties.
Crappy Roomate challenge
My sophmore year of college I moved in with this girl I vaguely knew from High school. She turned out to be a real slob. Dirty dishes piled in the sink, dirty clothes on the bathroom floor, leaving her shit out everywhere and never cleaning up - standard stuff, but nothing worth getting in a fuss about.
Well, the 2 br, single bathroom house we rented didn't have central heating/air (only one small window unit), and right before spring break we were both leaving for vacation and Athens was hitting highs of around 95-100. I left for vacation the day before she did, shutting off the one window unit and letting the house with absolutely no trees in the yard swell up to 100 degrees inside. When I returned 7 days later I walked into the thickest, humidest, most horrid smell I had ever smelled in my whole life. Thinking she'd left a whole meatloaf or something out, I looked in the kitchen. Nothing. I then espied on the coffee table amongst her things a note. The note said:
Anita,
The toilet is clogged and I
didn't have time to go get
a plunger. Sorry.
Kelli
I then had to go get a plunger (which required walking across the street to a convenient store) and plunge her shit out of the toilet. The toilet was full up to the rim of shit. Regardless of the finesse with which I eased the plunger in, the shitty water would not stay in the bowl and seeped out over the edges. "Fuck it," I thought and began plunging, ignoring (not without some difficulty) the abundantly spattering shit and shitty water. By the time I was done there was shit EVERYWHERE. Our small window unit had not cooled off the house yet either, so by this point there was someone else's shit that I was pissed off at melting on my face in 100 degree weather. After a vigorous, exfoliating shower and a long cold rinse, I fished around for every contact number she left me: her boyfriend's house and cell, her mom's house and cell, and even her boyfriend's parents house. I supressed my rage, dialed each number and left the same sweet message on all their machines for them to come back to tomorrow when they got back from vacation:
Hi there! This is Anita, Kelli's roomate. I was just looking for Kelli because she left me this note right before spring break. (read note.) I just wanted to let her know that it was 100 degrees in our house when I got back and the toilet was full to the rim of her feces which created a shit sauna of sorts in the house and, due to my desire to use the restroom myself and my desire not to smell Kelli's shit for another day, I had to plunge and mop up this feces off the bathroom floor the minute I got home from what was a wonderful vacation. Thank you!
On top of the embarrasment, you better believe that girl got ripped a new one when she got home. Have a nice weekend, sweeties.
anita - that is a fantactic story...it nearly brought a tear to me eye.
I had a crazed roommate in college, too - I might have to post about him sometime. Have a nice weekend, too!
Posted by
Barry S. |
2:56 PM
I'm a messy bitch, but I would never do that to my roommate and my mess is strictly in my room.
I would have thrown up if I had to clean that up. That's just grosse.
Posted by
Blonde Vigilante |
3:25 PM
Oooh....I have a roommmate story too!
We had our good times and our bad times-some memories are actually FUNNY as HELL. I know Bugwit was horror stories of roommates-d'ya think I can I don't know-alter it?!
Tell the story of the boy who slept outside her bedroom on the floor while she entertained another boy inside her bedroom?
Ya think?
OF COURSE I was TOTALLY innocent-That night.
:)
Posted by
~d |
3:40 PM
Other peoples crap can stay in their own crapper. I for one do not want to see that stinkin' cup overflow.
Posted by
winters |
5:37 PM
I would have just moved.
Worse: My first roommate in college was active with the campus Christian group and a DARE member...
Posted by
mainMama |
11:15 PM
i have made the top 10! bout fucking time!
i agree with mainmamma - i would have just moved all my stuff out that minute and left her "shit" sitting there for her when she returned!
Posted by
mgc |
12:43 AM
Do you bottle and sell your moxy? I need some.
Posted by
l |
1:42 AM
My sophomore year, I shared a house with four filthy boys. One of my roommates hated me because I'm all like, dude, don't leave pizza on the counter for two weeks. As passive/aggressive revenge, he used my bathroom (i.e., the one that was offlimits because I cleaned it) and took a shit right before going home for the holidays. As he tried to flush, he realized that the pipes in our house were frozen. The shit was there from December 2, 1993 - January 9th, 1994. It was a lovely New Year's gift. Although it was cold, it wasn't cold enough. That smell lingered until March. Needless to say, I'm still bitter.
Posted by
Cynical Girl |
12:42 PM
That is the best thing I have ever heard.
I love your giant balls, Anita.
Posted by
Tits McGee |
12:54 PM
NIce one! THere's nothing like a good shit story! Hmmm maybe that's my next post...
Posted by
Bugwit Homilies |
1:03 PM
BTW I'm linkin' ya.
Linkin' Linkin'
I've been thinkin'
What's that stuff
That you been drinkin'?
Posted by
Bugwit Homilies |
1:04 PM
Just read your profile. You're a Pisces born in the year of the sheep, eh? We have much to discuss.
Posted by
Bugwit Homilies |
1:22 PM
barry, glad you enjoyed it. Because the experience itself was awful.
****
bv honey rest assured I gagged quite a few times.
I'm messy too, though. SFG is the clean one. I leave books and papers and stuff laying around, but I never complained even about the dirty dishes until this happened. Then I laid the smacketh down.
****
~d I've got other, not-so-gross stories about this house too. I also had this one futon during undergrad that everyone called the "futon of lust" because literally every single one of my friends had sex on it at one point. Nasty.
****
winters I should have kindapped Mr. Trumpitt and made him do the dirty work for me. Some days I really do wish I was more evil.
****
mainmama you know what breaking a lease in Athens can do to you. It was bad enough I was living off Ramen and tomato sandwiches at the time.
****
mgc I would have at least gone to someone else's house for the night and let it sit there until she got back, but I was the only one of my friends that came back from spring break early and nobody was home yet. You better believe if another choice was available I would have taken it.
****
L I would send you some, but it goes bad really fast. I get pissed really quickly, but I'm not a very good grudge-holder. Bad memory, I guess.
****
cg okay that sucks. A month of sitting shit? Sitting man shit? Did you at least get to chew him out? Too bad men can't be embarrassed by their shit.
****
tits, My balls fight for justice. My balls get the job done. My balls are far less glamorous than your tits as they are sometimes covered in shit. Apples and oranges, though.
****
bugwit, I know, right? I only have a few shit stories up my sleeve, but they're all good ones. Who doesn't like a good self-depreciating shit story?
****
bugwit the answer is liquor.
****
bugwit to be completely honest with you I have no idea what my signs mean. I'm zodiac stupid.
Wait a minute, you're mocking me aren't you?! DAMN YOU INSURANCE WHORES! Fool me every time.
Posted by
Anita |
1:51 PM
I had a charming flatmate who one night took a drunken shit in the shower stall.
And then left it there.
I found it the following morning as I was preparing to take a shower.
Furious, I stormed into his bedroom and demanded he clean it up while I went and bought a newspaper.
I got back to find the filthy fucker in the stall, shower running, stuffing the shit down the drain with my potato masher...
Posted by
fingers |
9:54 PM
That is just to gross!!
I have to think about some roommate stories I have to tell.
BTW - I'm back already!
Vacation came to an early end, so stopp by again =)
Posted by
Mone |
4:24 PM
Shelf life is no matter. I'm all about instant gratification, so I'd use it right away. Can you send the Costco size bottle?
Posted by
l |
3:13 AM
fingers that is so fucking bizarre! Who does that? What was it in his brain that bypassed the "maybe I should get a paper towel and pick the shit up and put it in the trash" and went straight for the potato masher? Truth really is stranger than fiction.
****
YAY! MONE IS BACK! Mone I will definitely stop by. Hopefully you'll post some vacation photos on your photoexperiment site. Your kids really are too cute.
****
L, there is no doubt in my mind that you (perhaps anyone) would instantaneously combust if you consumed a Costco size bottle of my potent moxy. It is not to be toyed with, young lady!
Posted by
Anita |
1:26 PM
This is a great idea. Thanks for sharing your horror stories.
Posted by
Egan |
2:46 PM
... I meant...
"whore her stories"
Posted by
Egan |
2:46 PM
Hi anita! Which are the best bookstores in Atlanta? I am going to try to do a book signing down there in your neck of the woods....
Posted by
Barry S. |
3:22 PM
we need new shit! tired of the same ol' shit. your story really is the shit, but shit it is time for some other shit.
and look at barry snuggling up...any good book store...!
i like the way you suck up, but did you think they didn't read down in ATL? ;-)
Posted by
mgc |
4:42 PM
Is she cute?
If so, I forgive her.
Posted by
Zen Wizard |
7:20 PM
egan, do you have to be so blatant about the fact you didn't read the post? Geez.
****
egan, oh. I thought you meant "her urstoreez"
****
barry we've got a Chapter 11 in Ansley Square that David Sedaris always comes to. Ansley's kind of known as the gay area. There's also a very popular bookstore in the heart of Midtown called "Outwrite," but that's a gay bookstore. So I guess what I'm saying is that all I know about are the gay bookstores.
****
mgc you're so charming.
****
zen she had a decent body, but I'm WAY cuter than she is. Does that complicate things?
Posted by
Anita |
9:09 PM
Rotten!
My worst roommate story is a toss up between a severly depressed co-dependent former friend who liked to interrupt me while I was masturbating and a filthy whore whose kitchen cupboard ended up being full of soupy maggots.
Posted by
Melliferous Pants |
5:51 PM
We actors don't get a lot of algicide till we get "really" famous - but we live and breathe our algicide regardless. algicide
Isobella
http://www.onlinepoolchemicals.co.uk
Posted by
esusetain |
1:59 PM
Think I would have camped out at a friend's house until she could come back and deal with that shit herself. Pun intended.
Posted by
Polly Prissy-Pants |
4:06 PM
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Posted by
virocana |
9:54 PM
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